


badly written hxh ficlets

by vriskacircuit



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Deliberate Badfic, Humor, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-09
Updated: 2015-06-02
Packaged: 2018-03-11 10:05:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3323465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vriskacircuit/pseuds/vriskacircuit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>lets do this</p><p>third installment: alluka sells Girl Scout cookies</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. hisoka gets punched and cries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning for violence and mentions of pedophilia

Hisoka showed up and was being creepy and vaguely pedophilic as usual.

"I wonder who there is for me to fight today," he said in his voice of permanent arousal.

"FUCK OFF" shouted Killua and ran in on his skateboard and punched hisoka in the face.

"oh no" said Illumi. "my little brother is being rebellious against my partner-in-scheming-with-benefits. this will not do" but no one cared. illumi was forced to go take their stark and otherworldly beauty somewhere else.

meanwhile the punch to the face hisoka had taken was so bad it knocked him down forever. it was so bad that he couldn't even get off on it, which was the entire point. he was forced to lie in a trash heap forever.

"Fuck YEAH" said Killua and skateboarded away and did a wheelie. he flipped off Illumi as he went. illumi was insulted but couldn't do anything about it. illumi was also very beautiful, just as always.

Gon was waiting for him. "Did you get rid of the clown" he said.

"Yeah," said Killua all proudly.

"Hmm," said gon. "I am not sure how I feel about that because he was creepy but also fighting him made me get stronger"

"nah he was just a creepy asshole" said Killua and did a cool skate flip to demonstrate that he and gon were much cooler and better than any creepy clowns.

"yeah you're right. thanks," said gon. "that was really cool how you punched him and also did a wheelie on your skateboard which shouldn't even be possible!"

shit, thought Killua, the way he did every time gon complimented him. shit I'm so fucking gay.

gon was looking pensive. "can i.... can i also beat him up," he said. "i think it might help things. also i love to fight as you well know"

"i do indeed know" said killua. "you can beat him up all you want, i'm sick and tired of him"

"me too" said gon and then he went over to where hisoka was lying and looking pathetic from the extremely powerful shounen punch killua had given him. "hi" said hisoka. his mouth was kind of bloody from being punched but honestly it just looked like he was wearing more weird makeup.

"you're annoying" said gon and then kicked hisoka in the ribs. it was kind of cathartic.

"OH WAIT" said killua and then he took out of his pocket some pins that he'd borrowed from illumi. he stuck them in hisoka's skin (around the general area of his nipples to be exact) and then stepped back looking satsifed. "there," he said. "I have disabled his weird pain fetish. now you can punch him without him being creepy about it"

"Fuck," said hisoka. without his pain fetish he could no longer be creepy and pedophilic. killua covered gon's ears so that gon wouldn't have to hear the swear word and then gon punched hisoka in the face, like that time in heaven's arena only this time hisoka had lost his ability to be creepy about it.

"that hurts," said hisoka, and started to cry because he wasn't used to things being straight-up painful. the tears smudged his ugly makeup.

"okay i'm done now," said gon. he liked fighting but only in a fair fight, and this was not a fair fight. "let's go."

"cool" said killua and they walked away holding hands and leaving hisoka to lie in a stinky pile forever.

.

.

illumi came up to where hisoka was lying and examined him while looking very beautiful. "honestly, you kind of deserved that."


	2. killugon becomes canon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy late valentine's day

Killua and gon were talking about kissing. There was probably a reason for this, but Killua didn't notice because he was too busy freaking out internally.

this was because Gon had just asked him if he had ever kissed anyone, and killua realized "oh shit. i have to sound straight" he was so out of his depth

He thought about his answer and then said, "no i haven't because we are still kind of young for that stuff. also i am an assassin and we are solitary prowlers of the night or whatever it is illumi always says" he tried to remember what it was illumi always said then he realized it didn't matter because illumi was an asshole. "anyway i haven't kissed anyone yet but someday. I will kiss many girls. so many girls. i will not kiss anyone who isn't a girl and I definitely won't kiss any boys"

killua was sweating. did that sound straight enough? he decided to make sure. "Bro, dude" he added. there. Killua Zoldyck, outstanding heterosexual. (actually a complete oxymoron, but whatever)

"oh," said Gon and then he was quiet and thoughtful. "i haven't kissed anyone either but I think i might want to try it with you sometime"

Killua was still thinking about how best to appear straight so it took a while for those words to sink in. yeah, maybe I should buy a snapback, start wearing polo shirts and khaki shorts, say no homo every wait holy shit WHAT.

"you want to KISS ME?" said Killua. it came out sounding very cool and composed. it did not at all sound like a shocked squeak.

gon laughed. "you sound so shocked! your voice even squeaked! sure I want to kiss you because you are my favorite person in the world"

killua looked into gon's eyes which were the color of choco robots, killua's favorite color in the world. the thought of choco robots made everything even more romantic. "you are also my favorite person in the world and if you want to kiss me you should do that right now."

"yes we should," said gon, and he and Killua kissed. it was a very small and awkward kiss because they are both kids who have never kissed anyone before. there was some difficulty about where to put their noses but they managed it because love will always find a way.

"that was nice," said gon when they were done kissing. "kind of soft." Killua did not answer because he had passed out from happiness. killua is only a small gay bean, it was too much for his little heart to take

ging showed up. he had been drawn by the universal parent sense of "my kid is being involved in Romance". it was very faint in ging because he is a Shitty parent but it was still there. "gon are you being involved in Romance"

"yes!" said gon. he was very happy about this.

ging scratched his chin and squinted "with who"

gon pointed. Killua was still passed out on the ground with the face of one who has seen heaven.

"that kid?" ging did his frowny face of mild annoyance. "he looks like a small gay bean are you sure you want to hang out with him"

"yes!" said gon. "he does cool skate tricks and can kill people and buy me chocolate!" then he said, "so you don't have a problem that he's a boy?" He looked like he was ready to fight his shitty father over the answer. He probably was. Gon will fight anyone

"what the fuck" said ging "you think i'm upset that you swing in previously unexpected directions? you really think that? do you know the things I've gotten up to with kite. do you know how close ive come to actually taking pariston up on his offers. do you know what I've"

"okay that's very nice" said gon who did not want to hear any more about his dad's sex life. "you can go now"

Killua woke up and flipped off ging.

"I like this kid. sure you can date him or w/e" said ging and then he left to go be shitty and unwashed somewhere else.

"we should tell mito-san" said gon as he helped killua up.

"wait" said killua. "wait. are we like. you know."

"like what?" asked gon. 

"no i don't know what you mean," said gon, who knew what killua meant and secretly enjoyed being a little shit.

"are we DATING" said killua very loudly and gon said "YES" also very loudly and then added "i mean if you want to" and Killua said "HELL YEAH I WANT TO"

"HELL YEAH" yelled gon with his superhuman lungs and then tackle-hugged killua. they tried to have their second kiss but they were so excited they just ended up with bruised noses.

("fucking finally," said kurapika and leorio somewhere in the distance, and then they had a moment of quiet bittersweet parental reflection over how they grow up so fast.)

then gon and killua went to mito's house on whale island and told mito. mito was very happy for them and ruffled their hair and made them pastries and hot chocolate to celebrate, and then had a moment of quiet bittersweet parental reflection over how they grow up so fast. killua was very interested by the local whale island pastries that he had never tasted before and gon ate five thousand of them. then it was their bedtime and they tried to sleep while cuddling but ended up kicking each other's legs and eventually having a pillow fight. they were both very happy.


	3. alluka sells Girl Scout cookies

alluka was in a girl scout troupe.

"It is time to sell cookies," said the troupe leader, who was Kurapika. There is a difference between a troupe in the Girl Scout sense and a Troupe in the phantom sense. "i think there are laws against small children going door-to-door, but you have alluka with you and she can kill anyone who tries to be creepy. so go forth n sell cookies"

all the girls in the girls scout troupe cheered at being given the boxes full of cookies

"And if you eat any without paying for them I will find out with my chains" said kurapika. "the swingy ball one"

"dang" said all the girl scouts including alluka.

"and don't sell to anyone who likes spiders or looks like they would hang out in abandoned churches. actually you know what" (said kurapika) "if you find anyone like that bring them to me so I can Fight them"

"okay okay" said alluka and co and they went out to sell the cookies.

"I want cookies :(" said hisoka but he didn't get any because small shitty clown men do not get cookies.

alluka and the Girl Scout troupe went door to door selling cookies. some people bought them. others didn't.

no one took any cookies without paying for them. this was because nanika held onto the box and if anyone wanted cookies they would have to wish nanika for them. then Alluka would Request them money and they'd have to pay or else they'd die. it was a very efficient system. No one stole anything.

"man we don't have enough sales" said kalluto. "we need to sell a whole lot more. otherwise we will not have the funds to buy a giant inflatable funhouse"

"when did you get here," said alluka and tapped her chin. "Wait! I have.... an Idea."

"an idea" said all the other Girl Scouts 

"I know someone..." said Alluka. "who will buy Everything we have to sell."

"everything?" 

"Everything."

oh no thought kalluto but they didn't say anything.

"EVERY1 COME WITH ME" said Alluka and then they went to the zoldyck house.

"This is ur house isn't it" said some of the Girl Scouts.

"What," said Alluka looking guilty, "how could you tell"

"Because of the huge menacing cloud covering the mountaintop and the big terrifying guard dog monster and all the tourist buses saying "this is the zoldyck house'" said the Girl Scouts.

"Oh. Well yeah" said Alluka and then went up to Killua's door and knocked on it and yelled "KILLUA!"

Killua's fluffy white head popped out of the door "yeah what is it" he saw the Girl Scouts. "Oh no do you need me to kill them" he said. he wAs not happy about this because he had undergone Character Development and wasn't as enthused about the prospect of killing innocents as he might have been before.

The Girl Scouts were all afraid and some of them went to call the police but there is no reception in the zoldyck house, much to Milluki's dismay. "Noooo silly" said Alluka. "We want to sell you Girl Scout cookies!!!!!!!!"

Killua's eyes lit up. They lit up so brightly it might have been Nen. "How many can I buy?" 

"Well usually people buy like maybe five or six" began one unsuspecting girl scout but killua stopped her.

"No I mean how many do you have in stock"

"A few hundred?" said the Girl Scout.

"I'm buying them all," said Killua immediately.

Alluka beamed with pride at her plan and Kalluto rolled their overly-purple eyes.

"But that's thousands of money's!!!" stuttered the Girl Scout and  
Killua actually seemed to stop and consider.

"True. Okay I will buy fifteen thousand Girl Scout cookies directly from the company."

Kalluto was confused and kind of exasperated. They watched as Killua wired a few million moneys directly into the bank account for alluka's troupe (a bank account which had not existed until now, when Killua created it) in exchange for huge amounts of Girl Scout cookies.

Then they left because a lot of the Girl Scouts were getting freaked out by the cloud of menace that surrounded the entire zoldyck mansion.

"We sold all the cookies" said Alluka to kurapika

"Did you know???" said kurapika making a suspicious face. "Where's the cash?"

Alluka wrote down the info for the bank account. Kurapika pulled out their phone and looked at all the money in there.

"Alluka" they finally said

"Yes?" said Alluka very sweetly and obediently.

"You sold these to KILLUA didn't you"

Shit. "How could you tell ???"

Kurapika showed Alluka the phone screen. there was a group text sent from killua to gon, kurapika, leorio, and Ikalgo. "Girl Scout cookie party at my house fuck yeah!!!! I'll let you guys in from the back door so the huge fuckign guard dog doesn't eat u"

"Oh," said Alluka innocently but also sweating. "I don't know anything about that"

Kurapika stared at her very hard. "really"

"No really I don't" said nanika, who was now fronting. the reason for the sudden switch was because Nanika has a far better poker face. it is literally just three blobs

"you know I can find out things with my chains" said kurapika

Kalluto started to sweat. They had heard bad things about those chains from their Troupe buddies. "You mean the one that goes into ur heart???"

"No," said Kurapika "I mean the swingy ball one. the pacemaker one only works on spiders. None of you are spiders."

"ahahaha yes," said Kalluto, sweating more. "None of us are spiders. At all. Not a single spider tattoo in this room, especially not on anyone's left ankle haha -"

Kurapika was not listening because Kurapika was doing roll call to make sure everyone had come back in one piece from the terrifying evil zoldyck mansion.

Kalluto fucking left. They did not buy an inflatable funhouse because that had been a lie. instead they bought the coolest fuckign motorcycle ever. and a pair of shades to match

they were the coolest ten-year-old on the block

meanwhile gon and killua and leorio and Ikalgo were having a Girl Scout cookie party. Kurapika refused the invitation because they were huffy that killua had enabled unethical business practices

gon and killua ate all the cookies and then they kicked the asses of everyone in the zoldyck family over the age of 15 and then they took leorio and Ikalgo out on cool adventures. Kurapika finally came along. Alluka and nanika continued to amass a fortune selling Girl Scout cookies and eventually managed to become the co-leaders of the entire Girl Scout company, which was a actually just a branch of the Hunter association. They didn't even have 2 take the exam cause they're that cool


End file.
